"We really learned how sovereign God is during our time in South Asia and were reminded that Little Tarren's life in in God's hands, not ours. While this wasn't the plan that we had for ourselves this summer, this was the plan that God had for us. He taught us that all life is His, that He is a God that cares for us, and that Little Tarren is His."
These were really challenging lessons for me to learn. I think I have always enjoyed having control or at least the illusion of control over different situations in my life. This summer, I felt like I had very limited control as I lay in the hospital, praying anxiously that Little Tarren would be alright. Other than pray and trust in Dr. Nita's wisdom, there wasn't anything I could do to ensure that Little Tarren was alright. I was also forced to grapple with my lack of control as I had to depend on others for almost everything. I wasn't allowed to leave my hospital room for two weeks and during the first week I couldn't even bathe until the nurse arrived to help me!
I struggled to not dwell on the worst case scenario and to trust that God's plan was best no matter what happened. I had horrific visions of miscarriage and wondered how I would get through emotionally if the baby died. I was so thankful to have Darren there to challenge me to pray and read the Bible and to dwell on what the Bible said. It really did help to go to God's word but it wasn't my default at first. However, the more I focused on God, the less sorry I felt for myself and the more I could trust in God's plan.
Since returning home, I have continued to grapple with these lessons. I still forget that God had the best plan for me and Little Tarren, even if that means a different plan than I had envisioned. I still get anxious focusing on potential negative outcomes instead of focusing on God. I am still learning but I am thankful that God has started to teach me these lessons now, before Little Tarren is born.
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